Learning to dance, not wrestle, with your struggles
Force and coercion breed only dissent and loss. When we wrestle with our struggles we teach our bodies that we don’t care about its needs. We communicate that it’s our will or it’s nothing. If we don’t change the way we deal with our struggles, are we creating a breeding ground for dis-ease?
Recently, I was reading “Motivational Interviewing” where I came across the idea that we should dance, not wrestle with our struggles. Bing! A light bulb went on.
I’ve always found a way to overpower my struggles. I’d put my head down and just kept going, trudging through the muck of my own shadow. Fighting the whole way. I’d push until I was exhausted and then revert back to my old habits.
This one short statement reframed my thinking. All the time recently, I’ve heard people say, ”You don’t have to struggle”, “It doesn’t have to be so hard”, or “Don’t make it a fight”, clicked. FINALLY! (I’m just a little hard headed sometimes. haha)
Dance is about the partnership, the give and take. It’s an expression of trust. It's about the power of vulnerability and the grace of navigating a challenge, together.
When you are in a dance partnership, each partner must “listen” and respond to the other’s cues, body language, and signals. When one person misinterprets the others cues, they head in a different direction than intended.
Our body gives cues and communicates with us constantly, taking in cues from our choices, lifestyle, our thoughts, beliefs, and environment. And we should be taking cues from our body, mind, and spirit. Our body does what we tell it, whether directly, through our actions or indirectly, through our thoughts. Yes, you can control your body with your thoughts and I don’t just mean moving your leg from one place to another.
Try this out. Close your eyes, if your in a safe place, now think about a lemon, the sour, tangy taste as it hits your tongue. Did your mouth tingle, and start watering?
See thinking changes your body responses. Whatever you tell yourself in your thoughts, your body believes as true, regardless of what is actually fact. (I.E. placebo effect, mind over matter, etc)
In this intricate dance that we have with our internal and external environment, we develop a unique relationship. This is why your language, thoughts, and actions are SO important for your health.
Ok so let’s apply this. Have you ever tried to quit a bad habit or start a good one, only to find yourself battling your own thoughts and behaviors? I hear again and again, “I was doing so good then I just binged on cake.” 😩 or “I really want to start exercising, but I just can't bring myself to do it.”, or “I get started and then I quit.” I’m pretty sure it happens to even the best of us. We feel blocked again and again.
We "wrestle" with ourselves. Trying to force, trick, and/or coerce ourselves into doing the “right” thing. How often has that had lasting effects for you? For me, it’s been pretty much never. Only when we learn to work with these shadows in an elegant dance of listening to what those shadows gift us, will we truly start making changes.
We go through a gauntlet of self destructive thoughts and ideas. “If I just wake up 15 minutes earlier” “I’ll just skip my meals today, I gotta lose the last 6 pounds” “My body is so stupid” “God must hate me” I hear and have said the meanest things to myself. As I work with my clients, I pay close attention to the language that a person uses. Is their language black and white, right vs wrong, hateful, negative, or hopeless? Or do they have a more gentle approach to their self talk? Are they trying to nurture their growth or force their will on their world?
Take a moment here to think about how you talk to yourself? Is it kind and nurturing or is it harsh and mean?
When you ignore what your body, mind, spirit, and emotions are trying to tell you, you cut off that relationship and you will forever be wrestling against yourself. On a constant uphill battle. We all have tendencies we’ve adopted from those who have influenced us before. And these thoughts and behaviors are often a poetic way of getting our needs met.
It sounds silly, but when you give voice to what those bad habits do for you, it can allow you to let go of them and replace them with beneficial habits.
For example, if you are searching for sweetness in life, because you are surrounded by bitter people or situations, you may literally find sweetness from your food.
Seriously! Have you been someone who has consistently put the needs of others before your own and now, are you struggling with a chronic illness? So often, we neglect ourselves because we must take care of others. We tell our body to shut up and get to work because we need to do _______. (fill in the blank with whatever you like) So, when a bad habit rears its ugly head or you notice a new symptom. Listen. What are you needing that it's giving you?
Are you getting a headache so that you will FINALLY rest? Did you get stomach problems because you were eating food that doesn’t nourish you? Speak to it, let that piece of you know that your are listening and then work on replacing it with a more nourishing habit!
Do the dance of listening, adjusting, and moving through your struggles. Sit with yourself in silence regularly. Your body, mind, and spirit will tell you what you need, but are you ready to listen?
