Quick and effective tips for Dealing with intense emotions
Imagine the point where you’re listening to someone speak when all of a sudden you get the rush of a trigger (or activation)… your heart starts pounding, you lose all focus on what was being said, and you’re overrun with a sense of anxiety, anger, or depression. These moments have happened to us all, we see it in TV shows where a couple is talking and all the sudden one of them snaps, or maybe you’re intimately familiar with the sense of overwhelm while you’re in a conversation and the person you’re talking with triggers you with certain phrase or tone of voice. Or maybe you were sitting with a friend and memories of something terrible came up and you felt like you had no place to go.
What are we supposed to do in those moments? We all know that it’s not beneficial to curl up into a ball in the middle of a conversation or lash out at the person we’re trying to talk to, but sometimes the emotions and memories are all too overwhelming for us to handle. Below I’ll share a few tips I’ve used along the way and learned from therapists, meditation practitioners, and somatic bodyworks.
Why do we get Triggered or activated in the first place?
First, I would like to talk about why we get triggered/activated in the first place. Our minds and emotions are there to protect us. We take in the information from the world around us and interpret what is happening and what to do next based on our past experiences. Our brain is a pattern-making machine. When we have learned something we then use that knowledge to solve other situations. But that doesn’t mean that what we’ve learned is always the most applicable in other situations. For example, if we trip and fall at school and a few people laugh at us, we might think that people aren’t safe so we might get shy. Or someone might have a friend laugh, but help them up immediately, learning that people can be trusted and not to take yourself too seriously. Or you might trip and hurt yourself so you make sure to become extremely careful. In reality, it’s much less about the event and more about how your brain interprets it. And unfortunately for those of us that have had long-term trauma or big Trauma, our alert systems are on high much more than someone who hasn’t experienced as much or grew up in a loving supportive home. Because our alert systems are on at all times, they activate to keep us safe when something reminds us of something negative that happened to us. These “triggers” are warnings that our brain is giving us because it remembers something negative that came out of a situation in the past. And that memory doesn’t even have to be a conscious one. (I’ll talk more about that in my blog post about chakras, coming soon)
The Box
“The Box” is a metaphor for a vow that you make with your psyche (your mind, awareness, soul, self, whatever term you like can replace psyche), that you will come back to this emotion and memory when you feel more resourced and ready to process it. This metaphorical box is not an avoidance strategy, it is meant to keep you safe and allow you to deal with it at a more appropriate time. It gives you a chance to respond to a situation and not just react. So here is the way it works:
You get to create whatever this “box” looks like to you. I’ve heard anything from “it’s a box that I imagine placing my thought, emotions, memories into and then imagine putting it up into my closet to deal with later” to “I imagine a monkey with a ball that hops over to me and allows me to put my worry into the ball, then he takes it away. The monkey represents the “monkey mind” to me.”
I’ve also used, with my kids, guided meditation to help them deal with their big emotions and worries, especially before bedtime. Below is the basic script I use for that one. Feel free to make it your own. I’d love to hear some of your creations/versions! And remember if any of the meditation is activating (like closing your eyes) then make adjustments how you need.
Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths. Imagine you’re sitting next to a small calm river. As you sit there a small gondola floats up to you, being steered by a welcoming friendly person. As they approach you they call out to you, asking for you to fill their boat with anything that is weighing you down or worrying you right now. When they get to the shore you have all those worries ready and you place each into the boat. With each, you feel yourself getting lighter and more at ease. As you finish placing all those worries and negative thoughts in the boat the captain smiles at you with warm, loving eyes.
When you finish, the captain tips their hat to you, thanks you for being so present. As the boat turns, they call out to say that when you are ready, they will come back to either pick up more or to give back what you are ready to deal with. The captain waves and is off down the river. You take a deep breath in knowing that you have access to this at any point in time that you need it. You can breathe easily because the weight of those worries has left you.
The cool thing about “The Box” is that it is totally up to you to create what works for you. Be as creative as you would like. Or as simple as keeping a journal (written or digital) on you to write out the feelings you’re having. The more you practice with it the more your mind will be willing to let go of the worries because it trusts that you will come back to them as you are ready. “The Box” is about creating a relationship with your emotions and NOT using this to avoid dealing with anything at all. It’s a system of trust that allows your mind to let go of the ruminations so you can focus on the positive experiences. Because positive experiences with others are what allow for healing to take place.
Creating a Safe Space
Whether you’re in the middle of a conversation with someone or alone and big emotions or memories come up, it’s great to have a safe space to go to. But oftentimes we can’t leave the situation we’re in, so the following exercise is about bringing safe spaces to you. (Please don’t allow yourself to stay in a place that is harmful. Get out as soon as possible and don’t try and convince yourself someone else loves you if they are being abusive.)
In this practice, you’ll be using your imagination to create a space of healing in your mind. This works because our mind doesn’t know the difference between imagined things and real things, so let’s use the imagination to bring about healing instead of ruminating on negative situations. (P.S. if you’re still calling BS trying thinking about tasting a lemon right now and let me know if your mouth doesn’t start watering)
First think about a place, real or imagined, that makes you feel safe and comfortable. Common places are the beach, the forest, by a waterfall, or other natural settings, but yours could be floating in outer space or curled up in a burrow with a giant bunny cuddling with you. Again it’s totally up to you and what makes you feel the most comfortable and safe.
Now, bring this place to life! Fill it with scents, sounds, warmth, or coolness, give it as much detail as possible. If you are imagining the beach like I often do, feel the warm sand shift beneath your feet, hear the waves crash, and the water roll in and out. Are there seagulls? What do they sound like? Are you sitting in the shade of a beautiful palm tree or are you napping in the sun? Keep going. Do you have a special pet you would like to have with you there? A guardian angel or spirit animal? Do what feels right to you. Keep making it your own.
Once it feels complete to you, sit in your space for a few minutes at least. Enjoy the comfort and safety. Visit your space at least once a day for a week, make it a regular habit so you can begin to ingrain this into your mind. That way it gets really easy to jump back in here when you need it.
As with anything else, practice makes permanent. With practice, you’re creating pathways to safety and comfort that becomes more and more defined and easy to get to when you need it.
Borrowing a Brain
Along with these practices, “Borrowing a Brain” is important (I learned this saying from Dr. Keesha). When we’re stuck in our own heads we can get lost and overwhelmed. We’re stuck in our own patterns and perspectives and can’t get out of the ruminating loops. Borrowing a brain, whether that’s a truly trustworthy and caring friend, a therapist, a support group, a health coach, or a family member can be one of the most powerful tools to help with healing. Without good connections, true healing can’t happen. Healthy connection is the lifeblood of humans, without a circle of people to support us, we’re in danger of death from loneliness.
Below are a few characteristics and behaviors of people who make great support brains:
listening to understand, not just reply
unconditional positive regard (assuming that you are doing your best)
helps guide you to your own answers, not just telling you what to do
offers advice as an option, not the only answer
integrity and follow-through
clear communication
someone who doesn’t take someone else down to make you feel better about yourself
someone who is doing their own work
Getting therapy and having a coach is (thankfully) becoming more and more commonplace. Ask for suggestions from friends, coworkers, etc. Some types of therapy that have been proven helpful for releasing trauma are heart-centered hypnotherapy, EMDR, brain spotting, and somatic therapy. Cognitive Behavioral therapy is great for helping you retrain thought and behavior patterns. And Gabor Mate’s work with compassionate inquiry is amazing at getting down to the roots of trauma-induced behavior and thought patterns.
Try these out and remember that it takes time. Remember the time that you’ve spent before beginning this work and know that “300 reps of a new practice ground it in our muscle memory, and 3,000 reps transform the muscle memory into a new embodied default.” (SFYOGA)
Keep your head up and your heart open! And don’t forget your most simple tool, your breath!
