Breaking The Cycles: Healing Inner Child Wounds
Have you ever been going about your normal day, when you have an interaction that totally knocks the air out of you? An experience that feels like a serious gut punch, over something that really doesn’t seem like it’s connected to anything at all? Or do you find yourself repeating the same self-destructive patterns or keep ending up with the same type of person over and over again?
Recently, as I was watching the Loki series on Disney+, (I highly recommend the series, so good!) I was seriously gut punched. Normally, I may tear up with a movie, but never feel like the floor was ripped out from underneath me. There was absolutely no obvious connection to any one particular personal struggle, like a favorite character dying, as to why that series hit me so hard. So, I really spent sometime focusing in on the feelings that were coming up and where they were coming from.
This search brought me to exploring some seriously deep-seated beliefs that I have been functioning from for a VERY long time. Beliefs around responsibility, support, hard work and the inevitability of somethings just not working out, no matter how hard I try. All of these beliefs coming from so early in my childhood, that they might not have even been mine and could be coming from the culture at large or my family of origin. This drag through a mini depressive episode, woke up the next layer of my healing journey.
As I dive deeper into my own healing journey, I want to share with you the powerful benefits of working with your “Inner Child” and the subconscious beliefs we hold based on our experiences in life, our culture, and the beliefs our families hold.
“The untreated traumas of childhood become the frustrating dramas of adulthood.”
First, we’re going to look at what Inner Child Wounds are, then we’ll talk about how and why they’re affecting us to this day.
So, what exactly are inner child wounds? Inner Child Wounds refer to the emotional, psychological, and even physical pain that we experienced during our formative years. These wounds can stem from various sources, such as neglect, abuse, negative beliefs passed down from your family, environmental factors that create disconnection or “othering,” or witnessing traumatic events. And here's the thing - these wounds don't just disappear once we reach adulthood. They can continue to impact us in profound ways.
As a child, we develop a set of coping mechanisms based on how our undeveloped brain interprets the world around us. For example, if you have an embarrassing moment in front of friends as a young child, you might have a fear of giving presentations later. You might also, develop a coping mechanism of dissociation if your parents were constantly yelling at each other, because your surroundings weren’t safe, you shut out the outside world and create a vivid internal experience to cope. Another really common coping strategy is avoidance, which in our hustle culture often makes us feel like we’re lazy, when in fact we’re overwhelmed. If we experienced abandonment as a child, we may develop a fear of intimacy and struggle with forming deep connections in adulthood.
As children, we may have employed certain defense mechanisms to navigate challenging situations. But as we grow older, these coping strategies may no longer serve us and can hinder our personal growth and relationships.
Another way inner child wounds manifest is through repeated patterns of behavior. Unresolved childhood traumas can create a cycle of negative patterns, such as self-sabotage, seeking validation from others, or engaging in unhealthy relationships. These patterns often stem from the unmet needs and unresolved emotions of our inner child, influencing our decision-making processes and overall life choices. This often looks like:
ending up with the same type of person,
having the same fights,
addiction,
people pleasing,
perfectionism,
etc.
All of these coping mechanisms benefited us at some point. They helped us neutralize the negative feelings we’ve experienced like shame, defectiveness, pain, fear, anxiety, etc.
When we reexperience a moment that triggers an old wound, we literally revert back into our younger selves. Our brain has wired the feeling with a behavior and we reinitiate the same behaviors and emotional response as when we were a child. There’s a saying that fits with this perfectly, “What fires together, wires together.” So for example, when we’re in a relationship and they start pulling away from you, you might feel the fear of abandonment reactivating in your system, even if you consciously recognize that maybe they just need to go on a work trip. This results in you playing out the same abandonment story, as you get really clingy and that pushes them away more. Our brain is a really good pattern recognition machine that has been designed to keep us alive. With this being the case, our brain favors negative thoughts as a way of keeping a safety net around us.
The reality is that when a trigger is activated and that reoccurring feeling is coming up, it’s a great door into healing the next thing that’s presenting itself to be processed and healed. We do have the capability to heal these wounds. And it starts with awareness, awareness that we are struggling with old wounds and beliefs, and also awareness of how we’re reacting to this.
And to me the second MOST important step is getting support. In order to begin the healing journey, you must feel safe enough to explore these old wounds. In order to feel safe a support person or network is ultimately necessary. We develop wounds in relationship to people and we heal from wounds in relationship with people. Humans are social creatures and without a support network, you won’t be able to explore as many bigger themes of wounding in your life.
Finally, the work is being able to look at and relate to our wounds, without the shame and negative self beliefs. When you are healed you can accept and love all the parts of yourself. This doesn’t mean you allow for poor behavior, but what it does mean is that you don’t continue the self harming behavior that was a good idea when you were younger. Successful healing looks like being willing to redirect yourself without the shame or gas lighting. Essentially, reparenting yourself, giving yourself and others firm boundaries, nurturing care, and enough space to feel your emotions.
The ultimate goal of healing is not to erase what happened to you, it’s to be able to create a resilient nervous system that allows you to be more flexible with how you feel and react to situations. That you can pause before you react, that you can catch yourself as you get triggered and when you are triggered the emotional reaction doesn’t send you into fight or flight mode.
Luckily for us, there are various therapeutic approaches that can help us on our healing journey. Inner child work can look like different things to different people, but it’s important to find support that is trauma-informed. My favorite and the most impactful practices in my life have been EMDR, Somatics, and Internal Family Systems (parts work), Body Work (massage), Meditation, Guided Imagery, and Yoga.
If you’re just dipping your toes into this work, you can begin your journey by just bringing awareness to what your triggers are. When does your heart rate go up, your breath get shallow, your ability to focus get more difficult? Where do you notice self limiting behaviors and beliefs? What do you tell yourself about money, resources, receiving help, etc?
Through these methods, we can release pent-up emotions, reframe our narrative, and develop healthier coping skills. It's all about cultivating self-love and acceptance, establishing more fulfilling relationships, and creating a life that authentically reflects who we are.
If you resonate with any of this and are ready to embark on a journey of healing and self-discovery, we invite you to join our Inner Child Healing Series Workshop. This transformative workshop, happening Mondays in February, offers a supportive space for individuals to explore their inner child wounds and learn practical tools for healing and growth. Together, we'll embark on a journey towards reclaiming our inner child and embracing a more authentic and fulfilling life.
In this Wild Healing Collective Series, we’ll explore childhood wounds, healing techniques that are proven, and ways to integrate the work into real life. This incredible series is hosted by myself and Gabriela Heigl, an EMDR Trauma-Informed Therapist. We’ll be bringing together both Eastern and Western concepts, Ancient and Modern techniques, tools, and ways of thinking in order to support all parts of you in this journey. If you’re ready to sign up, head over to the Wild Healing Collective Page to sign up.
